Onion News Network: Diebold Accidentally Leaks Results of 2008 Election Early


Diebold Accidentally Leaks Results Of 2008 Election Early

“Joining us today to talk about the leaked results is Diebold PR spokesman Ernie Kenilworth. Mr. Kenilworth, this was quite a mistake.”

“And we at Diebold would like to formally apologize to all of our shadowy puppetmasters. This will not happen again. Please have mercy on us.”

Nader Announces Candidacy; Obama Magnanimous, Clinton Snotty

From NPR:

Obama, responding Saturday to Nader’s earlier criticisms that he lacked “substance,” praised Nader as a “heroic figure.”

“In many ways he is a heroic figure and I don’t mean to diminish him. But I do think there is a sense now that if somebody is not hewing to the Ralph Nader agenda, then you must be lacking in some way,” Obama said.

Clinton called Nader’s announcement a “passing fancy” and said she hoped his candidacy wouldn’t hurt the Democratic nominee.

“Obviously, it’s not helpful to whomever our Democratic nominee is. But it’s a free country,” she told reporters as she flew to Rhode Island for campaign events.

Hey, it’s nice there’ll be somebody to vote for who actually shares my values and agenda in a serious way. I’d consider voting him over Clinton; not so much over Obama, and the reason why is partly illustrated by their differing responses to his entering the race. (Though we’re not getting the full context of either quote so it’s possible the difference between their attitudes is not really as great as the news story makes it seem.)

Commies, Drug Lords, Terrorists

It’s kind of obvious that “Terror” today holds the same place in American government propaganda that “Communism” once did — a massively overhyped threat which is used as an excuse for aggression and increased authoritarian government.

But this morning I realized there was an important transitional period. For a long time Drugs were the new Communism. Late 80s and 90s, all those laws were passed which allowed the DEA to assume any large pile of cash was drug money, and seize it as “evidence” for trials that would never happen?

Remember how “Drug Lords” were the generic go-to villain in any two-bit action show or movie, the way Communists once served as all-purpose foils? Miami Vice was the counterpart to the spy vs spy shows of old… And I guess the forerunner of “24.”

Remember how we invaded Panama and kidnapped their president, Manuel Noriega, to try him on narcotics charges? Insane. But they got away with it because at that time, Drugs were the national boogeyman.

I think there was also a brief flirtation with replacing Drugs with Crazy Right-Wing Survivalist Types — Ruby Ridge and Waco (which may not have consisted of crazy right wing survivalists, but the Branch Davidians were adopted by them after the fact), but that never got very far, and didn’t have the international oomph that you need as an excuse to start wars.

I wonder what the shelf life on the Terror Boogeyman is, and what will replace it in a decade or three?…